From Michelle McConnell, 8/1/08

RE: Special Needs, Special Blessings

Several years ago I attended a memorial service for a home schooling mother of two who, only six weeks earlier, had gone to her doctor with abdominal pain and learned that she was in the advanced stages of pancreatic cancer. I listened as her devastated but brave husband spoke about “the blessings of cancer”. Blessings! And to my surprise, there were many. For example, you know death is coming so you say what you long to, you make memories and take pictures… blessings. I’d never thought of it that way before.

I want to write about the blessings of parenting a child with special needs. I do not mean to glorify our situation, but these conditions are reality and those of us touched by them have a choice: will we be blessed or cursed? The perspective is ours. Let me lay out for you a couple of ways that autism has both made me a better mother, and taught me to enjoy motherhood more.

When Luke was an infant, before autism ever entered our vocabulary, I was wound up tight as a drum. I wanted to do this “mom thing” perfectly. He was my firstborn, and I cared what others thought about him and about me, to a crippling degree. Autism, at first, only magnified that issue as his toddler years proved difficult. Until eventually… finally… FREEDOM. I learned not to care anymore. I developed the ability to parent “like nobody’s watching” - to follow my own heart and instincts as a mother, despite what anyone else thought. It took time but Luke’s autism granted me a gift most parents never experience – freedom from the need of others’ approval. The only thing that matters is what is best for my child. If this were the only benefit, it would be enough. I cannot adequately express how life changing this is.

I’ve also learned how to think outside of the box when it comes to children and actually, people in general. When I watch a child misbehave or have difficulty with a task, I immediately do what so few seem to: look beneath the surface. What is causing this? Is this an example of laziness or lack of cooperation, or is there an underlying issue being ignored here? No, I am not looking for autism behind every bush, but I do often discover things like sensory issues (either in the form of unmet needs or an overload of stimulation) or processing delays in both children and adults, causing misunderstanding and frustration. Other explanations are often there waiting to be discovered. I feel like a more patient, understanding person, and I hope I never go back to the way I was before I came to this awareness.

The list goes on, but to bring this whole picture “full circle”, let me share with you our family’s most exciting news to date. We are adding to our number! Yes, we are “expecting”, in a way. We have decided to pursue the adoption of a little girl from Ukraine. The children are tickled at this prospect and are fully involved in the process. It makes me smile to think how excited we are, and how natural it seems to want to invite someone else to share in the blessings of our family. That speaks volumes about how far we’ve come, together. Because you know what? This IS a great family. We are happy. We love each other. We have patience with one another’s shortcomings (and meltdowns), we try to understand where the other is coming from, and we work to bring out the best in each other. Autism and sensory integration and anxiety are hard things to deal with, yes, but they have actually – in my opinion – made us an ideal family for a new child to be grafted into. I pray that same level of acceptance, peace, and purpose are reflected in her life, as well.

I’ll leave you with a story. This morning we started our day with a walk to the neighborhood park. There we met a mother with a little toddler-aged girl. My three descended upon this sweet child, explaining to her that the wetness on the grass came from dew and that she was not old enough yet to enjoy the “big kid” swing and that she shouldn’t eat wood chips. They were patient and helpful and well mannered. My son climbed to a high peak to do a bit of verbal stimming off by himself, but no one seemed to notice – he was calm and happy, and it didn’t last long. Later, as we said our good-byes, the mother said to me, “They are wonderful, and they will be great with your new little one”. I smiled and thanked her, and you know what? I think she’s right. We aren’t perfect, but we don’t have to be. I know that now. Just one more thing autism has taught me.